My sweet Mama is a train wreck when she gets behind the wheel of her auto.
Mom’s auto manual says she has 2 speeds: regular & sport plus off-road. Mom reads that as fast, race car & beast mode. She even envisions her VW grill looking like Sea Hawks Marchan Lynches gold mouth grill. Cuz we are in beast mode when climbing up ugly deep rutted rocky paths.
In sport mode, Mom acts like the auto shortens, lowers & the tires widen a bit. Mom is Nascar in her mind. Too bad her mind has a few reality issues!
It is a happy sunny day. Mom retracts the windows & opens the huge full-length sunroof. My Mama’s got her “I’m all that” sunshades on, ZZ top blasting & she hit the go peddle. 3 seconds later there is dog hair flying everywhere. Mom sighs a quiet “dammit”; as her coolness factor takes a hit. How cool can a cute little lady be while spitting dog hair outa her mouth?
Finally, my cast-off hair blows away or settles & mom hits the tar speedway. It’s really just a road but try telling her that! This passage is miles of curvaceous road making driving enthusiast’s hearts sing with joy. Of course, the Coppers can’t be having full of joy drivers going 50 mph on tight curves so they dampen the joy by posting those (mom believes ridiculous) 25 to 35 mph speed limit signs.
Let us talk about the real reason My Mama loves leather seats. She will tell you it’s because they clean up quickly & are easy to vacuum dog hair. She be fibbing a bit. The real reason is the slide factor. Ya see, My Mama is little. Auto seats are huge. When mom goes winging around a sharp curve her backside slides way up on one side & then back to the other side. When my mom gets that demonic grin plastered on her face I dig in with every toenail I have, shove my butt in a corner & pray.
Today, Mom got the grin going, she is starting to accelerate into some butt slide action when around the curve is a car doing the speed limit of 25!!! And she keeps going the speed limit of 25! My poor mama starts hyperventilating & yelling things like:
“It’s only a suggestion! Not a hard-fast rule!” (moms talking about the speed limit)
“Come on take a chance, live life.”
“Really, the cops have better things to do than to pull you over”
“I’ve got outa state plates; they’ll nab me 1st, so you have no worries”
Then mom whimpers “I’m gonna die if I have to go this slow on this road” (Now I’m rolling my eyes, lessening my death grip & have hope of not ending up with bruises after this trip).
My mama wants to pass the dawdler soo bad but my mom is daring, not foolish so she meekly follows with so much sadness she turns down the music.
Aww, the turn signal; mom spied the activated turn signal. With the music again rocking loud & clear; her heart extra beating with anticipation she slips past the boring lady. My anal sphincter locks up tight & toenails dug in for the remainder of the ride.
Happily, I can say we all survived Mom’s delusional mind quirks…although tomorrow’s another day. (Can you hear my long sigh?) Just so y’all know, it’s not all doggy biscuits & hot dogs being mom’s furry companion.